Our New Vacuum Sucks

Our old vacuum, a traditionally-bagged black model called "The Boss," didn't remind me at all of Bruce Springsteen. It was nuisance-level loud and terrified the cats, but it would often run over the same piece of lint several times without picking it up. I kept telling Rebecca, "This vacuum sucks," to which she'd respond, "Well, that's what a vacuum is supposed to do." So then I'd have to add the rejoinder, "...but not in the good way."

My biggest problem with the old vacuum is that it hid all the dirt in a bag, so I had no idea how much stuff it was picking up. I always suspected it didn't get much, but I had no proof.

Over the holidays we visited my sister, and she got out her vacuum, which was bagless. It caught all the dirt in a clear plastic cannister in the front, so you could see how well it was working. When you're done, you dump the cannister in the wastebasket, and you know you've accomplished something: you've transferred a load of dirt from the carpet to the wastebasket. Wow! A bagless vacumm! That's what I want! I thought.

So after consulting the Consumer Reports article rating the best vacuum cleaners, we went out and immediately bought our own bagless model. Here it is, right out of the box, freshly assembled, in the most pristine condition it'll ever be in:



So I fired it up and started on our bedroom. I did one-half of our bedroom and looked at the cannister:



I was shocked. This was, mind you, 1/2 of one room. Maybe a 10' by 4' stretch of carpet, and it almost filled the cannister half full. It was as if this carpet had never been vacuumed. I imagined the carpet singing Madonna's Like a Virgin as it experienced a vacuuming like never before. My suspicion that this carpet had never seen a vacuum like this before was confirmed when I checked under the carriage and saw actual carpet fibers in it.

Stupidly, I finished the entire apartment without once emptying the cannister. I wanted to see how much dirt I could pick up in one vacuuming. When I was done with the whole place, I took the cannister out and took a picture. (I took three pictures, but this is the best one:)



As you can see, it's entirely full. (The predominant gray color is due to our two gray-haired cats.) What you can't see is how packed full it is. When I released the trap door into the garbage can, the detritus clung to the sides like an action-adventure hero in a bathroom stall trying to hide his feet from a dangerous assassin looking under each stall. I had to reach my hand into the cannister (a thoroughly disgusting endeavor) and pull the muck out, which was packed as tight as insulation.

But I've learned my lesson, and the second time I vacuumed the apartment, I cleaned the cannister out three times. The carpet looks great and I feel that I've accomplished something. Our new vacuum sucks awesome!